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Which animal are you most afraid of? For me, it's spiders. Bugs in general don't bother me; I could have them crawl all over my skin and bed without much of a flinch. Spiders on the other hand? No thank you.
My phobia of spiders intruded upon my life for many years, leading to sleepless nights and mindless killing. I wouldn't dare kill any other sort of creature, yet my terror of spiders threw all sense of inner morality out the window. After a while, the short moment of sweet relief became replaced with guilt and remorse. Eventually I realized that my spider killing days would have to cease. So they did. However, anxiety and panic around them didn't disappear, and I would find myself sleeping on the couch whenever a spider crawled its way into my bedroom.
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My interests have led me down a path of symbols, Carl Jung philosophies, and the knowledge of totem animals. A lot of my beliefs about life revolve around the idea that our external world is a mirror of the internal world. Which means our perceptions of anything outside of us represent the relationship we have to a fragment of our own being. This became an important puzzle piece to my phobia of spiders, because I learned that my terror of them represented an aspect of myself that I was running away from. To kill spiders was symbolic of disowning the qualities and lessons that the spider was here to teach me.
A few years ago I started experiencing many synchronicities in my life relative to spiders. I found that they always crossed my path right before (or even during) menstruation, only to disappear the whole rest of the month. This continued on for many menstrual cycles to the point where I knew an appearance of a spider meant my period was coming. I'm sure many out there might be skeptical of this phenomenon, believing that my awareness of the coincidence led to a self fulfilling prophecy as I "sought them out" every month. But I never deliberately looked for them. They would just show up. The only "scientific" explanation I can give is that they may be more active during the full moon phase (which is when I normally bleed). Otherwise, I knew they showed up to give me a message and help me deepen my journey on the self awareness path.
As expected, any interaction with a spider would fill me with panic, fear, and emotional resistance. I knew I didn't want to kill them, and I wanted to try my hardest not to run away from them. So I would force myself to sit a bit with that anxiety and really focus my attention on the spider. I remember the first time I did this, I felt a lot of irritation and fumed at it.
"I don't understand how you can just sit there and not do anything!'
These were the thoughts crossing my mind as I stared at that small little creature. But then it dawned on me that these are the exact same critical thoughts I give myself whenever I am feeling low on energy or ill. It also dawned on me that perhaps this negative thought pattern I held inside of myself was a byproduct of growing up in a culture that wants to do more and be more. I was never taught the importance of rest and recuperation, only spinning on life's hamster wheel. The spider, who is a professional at conserving energy and is known for staying still for hours at a time, was here to teach me to embrace the cycles of life. Not only do we have to embody a forward moving and action oriented energy, but we must be able to also embody more receptive energies and rest when needed.
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This resistance to surrender, passivity, and receptivity was something that was always magnified during menstruation. I don't always feel allowed to listen to my body, and at times, it seems as if daily life is not built to accommodate the fluctuations of a menstrual cycle. Feeling moody? Too bad, you must put on a happy face at work. Having cramps? Just take an Advil and deal with it. Are you tired and need to take a nap? Well that sucks; you have about a dozen things on your to-do list that you must check off. This attitude towards my body, that I'm sure many other people also share, has done nothing but put me at war with myself. And in fact, I found that this resistance to what my body is telling me only makes menstrual symptoms worse. The only solution I have found is to actually honor these fluctuating energies. I quickly realized that the way to deal with a menstrual cycle is to essentially befriend it and to flow with it.
This newfound realization was the turning point in my relationship to spiders, and also helped me deepen the relationship I have to my body and gender. Over time, instead of being overcome with emotional reactivity, I would acknowledge any spider that crossed my path, and even attempt to welcome it into my space when this monthly visitor came. It was the initial lesson of "embrace receptivity" that opened the door for further insights into what the spider was here to teach me.
Upon observing the spider in detail, and analyzing myself, I realized that not only do I need to practice receptivity, but I need to also honor the receptive traits that are already present within my being. For instance, I'm a person that listens more than talks, and believes in waiting before taking action. I also noticed how the spider, which is a creature that seems so monstrous in nature, is actually quite gentle and delicate (I don't think they have an actual skeleton). Being in the presence of the spider really led me to face the more introverted aspects of my being, and help release some of the resistance I had towards being this way. It also leads me to see what kind of "armor" I use to protect my vulnerable fragility.
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I would like to say this deeper introspection helped release my phobia of spiders forever, but it's still a process to this day. There was a period of time that lasted for a few years where my fear of spiders was manageable enough. The fear would fluctuate depending on what emotional resistance I was projecting onto them. For the most part though, when they came to visit me monthly, I no longer needed to run and hide in another room. I was able to sleep at night knowing that they were crawling all over my ceiling. Sometimes I even greeted them as if they could hear me. The lessons and insights from the spider continue to reveal themselves to me, and this recent quarantine was no exception to learning.
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It was about two months ago when anxiety levels were heightened. As expected, I crossed paths with a spider, which exacerbated the levels of stress and fear present within me. I swallowed that fear and tried to push it away. I thought I had mastered this phobia. I didn't understand why this spider was freaking me out again when there were so many other things to be freaked out about.
A day or two later I was met with more spiders. It reached a point where there were about four or five of them at least in my room- the most I had ever come across. The fear and anxiety within me was starting to heighten to the point where I didn't know what to do with myself. I would be up until 6 in the morning too scared to sleep. I knew how ridiculous this was, but I couldn't help it. So I ended up sleeping in our spare bedroom.
And then the spiders followed me.
It was really obvious that there was something I was supposed to learn, and I was supposed to tune into the spider again to see what was going on. I didn't manage to do that until a handful of days had passed with them still not leaving my space.
There was one specific spider that scared me the most. It was huddled up in a little crevice of my nightstand, near my head. It had literally stayed there for at least two days, patiently waiting in its little burrowed web for food to come. So I decided to tune into this spider and what issue I was projecting onto it, and quickly gained an insight: I didn't understand how this spider could have so much trust and faith that what it was wanting would come to it. I didn't understand why this spider wasn't scurrying around like a chicken with its head cut off, frantically searching for food that may not even be available. I didn't understand why this spider had so much faith that the web it created would be able to do its job.
I was faced with the reality of the fear I was feeling during this time of my life (and still struggle with)...the sense of powerlessness that had overcome me, and the intense control issues that were arising because of it. I didn't have any faith that good things were still coming my way. I couldn't surrender to the changes that were happening from this pandemic. I couldn't face the reality that some things were ending maybe because they were never meant to be a part of my highest good. I couldn't surrender to endings, and I couldn't surrender to the level of uncertainty that I was now facing. I couldn't embrace the creative energies pushing me in a different direction, and the level of trust that comes along with it.
When I finally came to these realizations, the spiders magically left my room one by one. I was only left with the emotions left to process; the messenger had done its job.
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I continued to mull over these encounters with the spiders, as I tend to do, and continued to process the behavior that I had witnessed. This spider was a master of both creation and surrender- something that I don't always believe is possible. Not only was the spider able to put forth its intention and build a web, but it was able to wait, be patient, and let go, knowing that what it had set forth would come to fruition. It wasn't in a never ending, controlling, and aggressive chase for what it wanted. The spider had trust that the web it created would bring food its way.
This energy of co-creation is something that is present in all our lives. We will find that it's not enough to do our part, we must allow our dreams and desires to also work for us. Sometimes this means relying on others for help, having trust and faith in a Universe or God, or at the very least, allowing ourselves to practice patience. I am well familiar with the energy inside of me of wanting to create, of craving more, of feeling as if I must do everything possible to the point where I'm controlling things I cannot control. I'm unfamiliar with the energy inside of me that wants to be patient, to slow down, to let everything go, and to release my desires. And it's this energy that the spider was once again, trying to drill into my head.
It finally dawned on me as to why I would feel the most fear around a spider when it was still, or why the spider would even cross my path during menstruation (the bleeding phase is symbolic of surrender, release, and letting go). I was meant to become aware of this resistance that was holding me back in life and interfering with a sense of inner peace.
These important lessons are now something that I'm trying to integrate more within my life. I can't say I have fully mastered this, but everything has to start from somewhere.
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My journey with the spider has led me to believe that it is one of my totems and guides in this lifetime. The lessons from the spider will probably continue to reveal themselves to me throughout my life, but I am thankful for the insights that I have already gained in this stage of my journey.
For those who have a deep fear of any animal, it is my hope that my story will help you gain further insight into why this is. Perhaps you might find that what you have been running away from your entire life is in fact what you have always needed.
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